Three Blondes……

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the  Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,

 “So y’all want to be cops, huh?”

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,

“To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

 “Now,” he said,

“did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”

The blonde immediately said,

“Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”

The detective shook his head and said,

 “Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It’s a profile of his face!  

You’re dismissed!”

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,

“What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,

“Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady?

This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear!  

You’re excused too!”

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,

 “This is probably a waste of time, but….” 

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,

 “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?”

The blonde said,

 “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

” The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

 He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
“You’re absolutely right!

His bio says he wears contacts!

How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,

 “Well,  Hellooooooooooooo! With only
One eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”

2010 Language and Sayings

* SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.

Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

* SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

* SINBAD.

Single working girls – Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.0020

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the ‘adminisphere’ are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded ‘administrivia’ – needless paperwork and processes.

* GOING FOR A McSHIT.

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re just going to the loo.. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you’ll buy their food afterwards is known as a ‘ McShit with Lies ‘.

* 404.

Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message ‘404 Not Found’ meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* GREYHOUND.

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

The ‘no-stars’ comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually nought in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH ..

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: ‘Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!’.

* MYSTERY BUS.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 110kilo in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a pub crawl at 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS.

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a pub crawl, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.

Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got 4 buttocks.