A Month in My Life – April 10

The random happenings in my life during April 2010. The names of the guilty have been changed. But they should know who they are. I might even be subject to some retribution…….

The election was duly announced and so there was a massive pile of paper thru my letterbox. At least I found out that I was in a brand new constituency! And did you spot there was an obvious omission in all the manifesto’s? Well, here it is: “if elected and we fail to implement 75% of the manifesto, then we admit we are liars and useless in our jobs. Therefore we will not be standing again”. So in other words……..use your vote with care.

Burger Boy’s buckle belt looks like this:

Burger Boys Belt Buckle

You will have spotted that a certain volcano caused a lot of havoc. Masses of media attention and I do not know anyone who was caught up in it. No different from the Swine Flu then – I still don’t know anyone who caught it……. But I did enjoy all the jokes.

Now here is a classic tale about red tape. There is a Housing Charity that has done brilliant work for many years. In the last 3 years they have doubled in size and helped out countless people. Given their increased size, they decide to use the Law Society to review their work. Quality of work was given the thumbs up, but they now have tripled the amount of paperwork they used to do. As they do not have the funds for extra staffing, they have had to reduce the number of people they see. This means less help for people in the community. Less help due to extra paperwork. Quality of work unchanged. Sounds daft to me.

And one of the things the Charity is famous for?…….suing local Councils for making people homeless as they have not understood or applied the law properly. Mmmm, I’m going purple with rage again……

I spent a few days down in Cornwall and The Boss ran me ragged. Friends were also down that way and so we all hooked up. A very busy and thoroughly enjoyable few days were had. If you are ever in Truro, make sure you visit the Kathmandu for they do the finest curries you will ever come across. And if you are in the Gorran Haven area, pop into Treveague Farm and you will see nature in action:

New born lamb at Treveague Farm

Mr Ranter discovered that I have been blogging about him. Now you might just be a tad puzzled as to why he had no idea. Well, he’s not on Twatter and thinks Facewink is a pointless collection of non-friends. But he has only just discovered the delights of a smartphone, so there is a chink of light in the tunnel. Anyway, he wishes to point out he does NOT rant. He is the voice of reason. Yea, right!

I have just realised I have not had a rant over South Glos Council for a while. I mentioned all the potholes left after the winter snow a while back. Well, the really bad ones were fixed pretty quickly. The smaller ones were circled in yellow paint about 2 months back. There were so many circles, I described it as “the yellow brick road”. And I can now report that the paint is fading – fast. Any bets on which month the repairs will actually happen?

Went out for a long bike ride on a very gusty day, so it was hard work. OK, it damn near killed me! But finally, I experienced a tailwind that led me to accelerate rather nicely….uphill. First time I have had that one happen, and rare events are always nice! And I’m pleased to say that my perseverance with the wobble board has paid off. My bike handling is greatly improved.

General Randomness

Looks like I am about to embark on a spot of family tree research. Given my weird family, it is bound to be hysterically funny!

Probably the best thing I discovered this month was Dropbox. An online site where you can store up to 2GB for free. Never loose a file again. I like that. And it automatically updates changed files as well. Super, super stuff. My simple  guide is here: https://smarty09.wordpress.com/2010/04/24/dropbox/

Sports News

Firstly, big congratulations to that “little” team called Fulham. They have made it all the way to the Europa League Final. An amazing fairytale that started way back last July.

I was treated to some lovely hospitality for the Bristol City v Notts Forest game. The quality of the food was matched by the quality of the football: excellent (for once!). Interestingly, Burger Boy had a good go at eating a proper meal, but his eyes really lit up after the game – large pile of pizza. There’s no hope for the lad.

Mangotsfield’s Easter Monday derby with Yate saw them win. Unsoddinbelievable!! I have waited 5 years for this victory and it comes on a cool windy day. Lets hope this is the start of a decent run in the local derbies. Please. Pretty please ;). The season officially ended with the club in a comfortable 9th position. Hope they can build on this for next season.

And then the cricket season started with woeful performances by Gloucestershire. The whole team is just not performing and the body language is truly awful. Something is wrong. Seriously wrong. So why do I go? Well, I’m sat in the sun, nattering to all and sundry. So in other words it’s a massive social. Nowt to do with quality of cricket……But then on the last day of the month they pull off an away win at Lords. Onwards and upwards? We shall see.

The warmer weather sees the start of the Motorbike racing season. I have not been to the opening British Superbikes meets, but have been watching the TV coverage. Some very close racing going on in the support races.

And MotoGP also began. The first race was just littered with unexpected events – very, very enjoyable. In case you have not guessed, 2 wheels rule by the way 😉

The best sporting moment of the year so far is an utterly astonishing win in the World Snooker championship. Steve “interesting” Davis knocks out the World No 1 and reigning world champ. Steve is 52 years old. There’s life in the old dog then. Commentators described it as the best ever victory whilst the tournament has been at The Crucible. Needless to say he got utterly thrashed in the next match!

We Was Brung Up Proper

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!
   
“And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993”!!!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930’s 1940’s, 50’s, 60’s and early 70’s !
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn’t open on a Sunday, somehow we didn’t starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy  Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because……

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd  films,  
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms………..WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time…

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn’t have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn’t need to keep up with the Jones’s!

Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT 
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren’t concentrating .
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R’s education.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!
Our parents didn’t invent stupid names for their kids like ‘Kiora’ and ‘Blade’ and ‘Ridge’ and ‘Vanilla’

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

Dear Friends

Dear Friends

Now that we have just started a new year I want to thank you for the emails you have forwarded over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I can no longer buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I’ll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan . I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can’t even pick up the £5 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will crap on your head at 5:00pm tomorrow afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

By the way….a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don’t have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

Regards,
Your friend