politically incorrect stories

1.     The wife was counting all the 1p’s and 2p’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”

2.     When I was in the pub I heard a couple of idiots saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twits. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

3.     Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, “Where is Pakistan?” He replies, “Outside playing with Paki-Dave”.

4.     Local Police hunting the ‘Knitting Needle Nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

5.      Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

6.      A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

7.      Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an envelope for?” “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick sod!”

8.      Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

9.      19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Mick replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

10.     An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

English Language

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

10. A calendar’s days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

17. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.

18. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet. 

21. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

34. Don’t join dangerous cults: practise safe sects.

UN Phone Survey

Last month a world survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a HUGE failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

3. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
4. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant
5. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant

6. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant
7. In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant

8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.