The New Vicar

A new Vicar was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
 
Therefore, he took out a card and wrote ” Revelation 3:20 ” on the back of it and stuck it through the letter box.
 
When the Offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10″
 
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke out in gales of laughter.
 
Revelation 3:20 begins ” Behold, I stand at the door and knock…”
 
Genesis 3:10 reads ” I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked”

God said to Adam

God said, ‘Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.’

Adam said, ‘Gladly,  Lord, what do You Want me to do?’

God said, ‘Go down  Into that valley.’

Adam said, ‘What’s a Valley?’

God explained it to Him. Then God said, ‘Cross the river.’

Adam said, ‘What’s a River?’

God explained that  To him, and then said,  ‘Go over to the hill….’

Adam said, ‘What is a Hill?’

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, ‘On
The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.’

Adam said, ‘What’s a Cave?’ After God explained,
He said, ‘In the cave  You will find a woman.’

Adam said, ‘What’s a Woman?’ So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, ‘I Want you to Reproduce.’

Adam said, ‘How do I do that?’ God first said (under His breath), ‘Geez…..’

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, ‘What is it Now?’

And Adam said….

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

‘What’s a headache?’

Getting a hairdryer thru Customs

Getting a hairdryer through customs….

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’

‘Of course, child. What may I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?’

‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’

‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’

‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’

‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’

Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next!’