women

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the   time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She   was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life   became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up   with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on   anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but   directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet   planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious   that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

God said to Adam

God said, ‘Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.’

Adam said, ‘Gladly,  Lord, what do You Want me to do?’

God said, ‘Go down  Into that valley.’

Adam said, ‘What’s a Valley?’

God explained it to Him. Then God said, ‘Cross the river.’

Adam said, ‘What’s a River?’

God explained that  To him, and then said,  ‘Go over to the hill….’

Adam said, ‘What is a Hill?’

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, ‘On
The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.’

Adam said, ‘What’s a Cave?’ After God explained,
He said, ‘In the cave  You will find a woman.’

Adam said, ‘What’s a Woman?’ So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, ‘I Want you to Reproduce.’

Adam said, ‘How do I do that?’ God first said (under His breath), ‘Geez…..’

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, ‘What is it Now?’

And Adam said….

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‘What’s a headache?’

WOMEN & SHOPPING

Women and Shopping

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you!? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!’

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what you bought.’